I have been called a narcissist. And yes, I care about myself way more than I care about things that are not me – like other people, never mind animals. I don’t want animals to suffer, but I come first. I never think about cows, probably because I’ve never even seen one. So, it is easy for me to disassociate and pretend a hamburger is not a cow.
So clearly, I didn’t go vegan for compassion to animals, actually I became vegan to impress a girl, who is now my wife. It has been seven years now, and I‘m staying vegan, not for her, not for the animals, not for the environment, but rather for something much more important to me – me.
Presenting: Top Five (+1) Selfish Reasons to go Vegan (the last one will leave you stiff)
Vegans live about ten years longer. That’s a long time to enjoy things like smoking, drinking and gambling, or, for some of you out there, your family. Why do vegans live so long? Glad you asked because their diet is high fiber, low fat, and nutrient rich – for starters. Therefore, vegans are 33% less likely to get cancer, or heart disease, and 25% less likely to get diabetes. Also, it has been proven scientifically that dairy doubles your chances of getting Parkinson’s, yikes.
Fun fact: Drinking milk gives you man boobs because milk is full of estrogen and progesterone. To avoid man boobs, drink beer, which contains no hormones.
Also, did you know that 75% of us is lactose intolerant. Most of us are unaware of our condition. How would we know? Well, the number one symptom of lactose intolerance, which apparently 75% of us has, is farting. Farting. Imagine a world with less farting. Who doesn’t want this. Let’s all just stop consuming so much dairy, and live this dream.
Remember those awkward teenage years? Some of us were prone to breakouts because of all those hormones running around our bodies. If you want clear skin, avoid meat and dairy because both are full of those acne causing hormones that were running around your body in high school, hello.
Remember, go vegan, avoid man boobs, farting, and acn… (I had you at man boobs, didn’t I?)
The worst that I have ever felt in my life was about five minutes into some curry chicken one night, when the effects of food poisoning took hold of me. With poop and vomit everywhere, I wanted to die.
Fun fact – 70% of food poisoning results from the consumption of animal flesh. Maybe I deserved it as karmic punishment for the suffering of the chicken. Even if you are lucky enough to avoid such an extreme encounter as food poisoning, meat and dairy consumption is also a leading cause of some less dramatic kinds of suffering like migraines, asthma, allergies, and constipation.
Vegan food is cheap, if you do it right. Don’t be a sap and buy pricey prepackaged junk food. Be smart and make your own stuff. It will taste better, be healthier, and save you a ton of money. Get started by checking out some easy recipes right here. (Easy being the operative word)
Chicks Dig Vegans
If you meet a girl that you like, and you want to impress her, don’t talk about when you played sports in high school because she doesn’t care (trust me, I tried). Instead, tell her that you’re vegan. It makes you look compassionate and educated, and that is attractive to women for some reason. It worked for me; that’s how I got my wife.
Erectile dysfunction is a real problem and is not funny, except for those commercials for Cialis, with the old couple sitting in his and her bathtubs on a high side, sun setting in the background, kids away at college, one’s in jail actually, anyway they’re alone, and they’re about to get down, but he can’t get it up because he’s old, and he needs special pills. Here’s the deal: When you eat too many animals, you clog your blood vessels and several bad things happen, including erectile dysfunction. What is funny about erectile dysfunction? Pretty much everything – except that it means your blood vessels are clogged which leads to stroke, heart attack, and death. Other than that, it’s hilarious.
There you have it, several solid reasons for going vegan, and all without a mention of compassion for animals or concern for the environment. Go vegan for yourself.
You’re worth it.