“What are you going to write about baby?” asked my vegan wife.
I was just starting a new post as Herby Var, my alter ego, a loose cannon who sometimes I can’t control, “The title is Judgement Ass Vegans,” I answered, “and that’s all I really have so far”.
“We should be compassionate, accepting, tolerant”, my vegan wife started in, “and also non-judgmental”. I giggled a little because she lost me with non-judgemental.
“Baby, you’re all of those things,” I said. We both know that she is better than I am, and are fine with it. I follow her lead on most things, and it works out nicely for me. For example, I became vegan because of her. But, sometimes we differ.
“Baby, this idea of being non-judgmental is nice, but I could never actually do it. I’m not made that way,” I said to her as she started the blow drier. I continued, raising my voice so that I could be heard above the noise, which I did not expect her to turn off – I’m no egomaniac; her hair is important.
“I was born to judge and have been judgy all my life
I come from a long line of judgy people,” I screamed.
“You never knew your grandparents, Baby”, she said.
I was hoping that she couldn’t hear me, or wasn’t listening, but I continued, “they were English, so it is safe to assume that they were judgy, Baby.”
She was right; I don’t know anything about my grandparents, she continued drying her hair, and I continued the conversation in my head.
My parents were judgy as hell and had great fun with it. Family dinners were always a joyous shit talking session, as was the drive home from church on Sunday.
“Did you get a load of that outfit that Bev Middleton wedged herself into?”, said mom.
“Joe Heinz is fooling no one with that toupee,” said dad.
“Did you see Nancy’s nails? I bet she has no trouble climbing trees with those claws”, said my older sister.
I remember sitting there laughing and wishing I had something good to contribute. It never got too mean, and always ended with “Imagine what these people say about us” and then we’d all make fun of ourselves. Were we the only family that did this? Maybe it was because we didn’t have cable television.
I got the title for this post from a carnivorous bodybuilder who was angry with the taste of vegan “toona” and trolling a vegan Instagram post by calling us “judgment ass vegans” which, of course, I found hilarious. I just kept repeating judgment ass over and over again to myself, and I laughed like a fool. The words sound funny together, especially when you imagine them said in anger by a bodybuilder stereotype duped by the promise of vegan “toona”. Dude, I am a solid vegan, but, even I wouldn’t recommend vegan “toona”.
I get his point, nobody likes to be made fun of. Although carnivores make fun of us vegans constantly, and it’s cool. We’re fine with it. Did you hear the one about the guy who ran after an ice-cream truck for seven city blocks, finally caught it, only to announce, breathless, “Nothing for me thanks; I’m vegan”. That’s a good one, and if it amuses carnivores, then go on and have fun with it.
Just then my vegan wife, whom I call Baby, emerged from the bathroom and hits me with:
“When you judge others Baby (she calls me Baby as well), It’s not about them, it’s about your own insecurities and needs”.
“Good point Baby,” I said to her without really listening because I was convinced that I could toe the line between making fun of others in a way that everyone appreciates and being overly judgemental. I feel it’s ok to be a little judgemental sometimes if it’s done with class, dignity, and (need one more pretentious adjective here).
Anyway, I plan to continue on as Herby Var, my obnoxiously judgy alter ego, and post about stuff from a vegan’s point of view. Is there a stereotype floating around out there that vegans are an overly serious, humorless bunch? If so, I hope to help counter it, and I hope to offend a lot of carnivores along the way because that means people are reading my posts, which would be super cool.
Note: I made a “toona” sandwich on rye toast and it was good. Try it!