Herby’s Top Ten + 1 Reasons to Avoid the Beach

Categories Lifestyle

California offers an endless summer, and nothing says summer like the beach.  You can enjoy the beach year round, and it doesn’t cost a dime. It is the place to be, so avoid it at all costs.  Here’s why:

The sun gives you skin cancer and will kill you.  Worse, the sun can give you wrinkles. Be safe. Stay inside this summer.  And don’t bother with sunscreen because it’is expensive and messy. Kids always pitch a fit when you try to put it on them; trust their wisdom.

Ever see the documentary entitled Jaws?  If you see a dorsal fin, panic. Maybe it’s just a dolphin, or a shark disguised a dolphin.

I am against sand.  Sand and dog hair are the two most difficult things to vacuum from your car.  Go to a dog friendly beach, and now you’re really screwed.

Parking can be so bad at some of our more crowded beaches here in Southern California, especially in the summertime that occasionally you may even have to pay for it.

Cold water
It never seems to bother the kids.  They will run right in and be splashing and playing all day if you let them. Be a good parent, if you’re cold, then they are cold too; and as soon as they stop all this joyful running around and playing they will start to feel it too.

EEEEEW.  Sometimes it brushes up against you in the water and you think it is some deadly sea creature.  Seaweed really should be outlawed.

Our economy is driven by consumer spending.  Do your part as an American and try and pitch in a little; you are supposed to be a consumer, so consume more. You can easily drop about $600 taking your family to Disneyland for the day, and thereby provide a strong economic stimulus to strengthen GNP. It’s the equivalent of the Fed lowering the discount rate. Today, I took my three daughters to the beach and didn’t spend a dime.  Don’t be a cheapskate like me. You’re better than that; do your part for capitalism, for America.

People expect the beach to be how it is on that show Baywatch, a bunch of chicks bouncing around in bikinis.  Nope. It’s all families. There are kids everywhere, splashing around in the waves, making sandcastles, kicking soccer balls,  all happy and annoying. Don’t they have homework or something? There are so many kids at the beach that my daughters never fail to make new friends there.

Kids never want to leave the beach.  Most have meltdowns. I usually bribe mine with vegan ice-cream on the way home. If you give your kids ice-cream from a cow, not only are you a bad parent, but you are a bad person.

Fitness enthusiasts
Worse than all these kids having fun, are all these damn fitness enthusiasts.  They’re all so happily distracted by the view that these jerks forget they’re even exercising.  “Running along the cliffs of Laguna, taking in the ocean-view, #runners’ high.” Save it Captain Stretchypants.  Just go find a gym and get on the treadmill already. If exercise is enjoyable, it is not as effective – science

No Alcohol
Beer is a feature of many family friendly destinations like    Dodger games, Disney, and church, but not at the beach. Nobody serves alcohol at the beach. How uncivilized.

There you have it, the best that I could come up with.  If you remain unconvinced and plan on hitting the beach, despite my sound advice, then I’ll see you there, dude.


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