In case you missed my first post entitled “How to Live a Lie and Love it” let me get you up to speed. I was your typical meat eating, leather wearing, narcissistic numbnuts (you may know the type because they’re everywhere.) until one night I met a beautiful vegan, and, in an attempt to ingratiate myself with her, I told her that I was vegan as well. This was an outrageous lie, but for a chance with this beauty, I had to pretend.
I met her on a Saturday. On Monday morning, I was telling the story to the guys at work. The response was a collective,“Going vegan for a girl? How gay dude.” Bless their feeble minds, “You’re right fellas,” I said, “Doing something for a girl’s attention – how totally homosexual of me.” I don’t think that they were being homophobes, really; they all just had such limited vocabularies; collectively, they knew about five adjectives. Even if they did think that I was acting gay, I was cool with it and so were they. It’s a compliment, really. If they wanted to insult me, they would say,“Going vegan for some girl? How Republican of you.”
There were follow up questions like “What about fish?”and “You still eat chicken right?” So, I explained to them that birds and fish are part of the animal kingdom.
Then one of them magically turned into a nutritionist, “What about protein, dude? You will waste away to nothing without meat.”he advised.“You need protein, bro”, agreed a guy smoking a Marlboro Red and drinking a 32 oz. Monster. They were trying to break me, but I remained resolute, until lunchtime rolled around that is.
The problem was that I was not prepared. Rule #1 – A good vegan packs his or her own lunch. I was still new to the life, so I messed up. The guys ordered a pizza and were enjoying it. As good meat eaters they were masters of disassociation; they weren’t thinking about what they were eating. They offered to pick the pepperoni off for me, which was kind of them, but I declined. If I told them that vegans don’t eat cheese, they would have all freaked out.
A couple of hours later, I was really feeling hungry, and there were a couple of slices left. So, I ate the crust, the almost vegan crust. Not my greatest moment as a vegan, but a start. Besides, I had become vegan only to get a girl’s attention.
I texted her that night and didn’t hear back, so I pounded whiskey and almost ate a corn dog to spite her. But, as I held the thing up to my drunken mouth, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t disassociate the thing from what it actually was: a dead animal – murdered for my pleasure. “Sad”, I thought as I put it down. Not a proud moment, but another step.